Perspective.

september 11th....here we are 10 years later.  i would not consider myself to be one who focuses on politics or what is going on around the world.  it's not that i don't care, it's that it's out of my control and it overwhelms me to think of the sadness and despair that goes on daily in other parts of the world.

september 11th, 2001 we americans we were forced to stare pain and suffering and loss right in the face and well...just deal with it.  and deal with it we did.  we united as a country. as friends. as families. as neighbors.  we had no choice.  it's funny how the times where we have little choice, we are forced to choose. we must decide what matters the most to us.

my head and heart have been heavy the past several weeks and being the tough personality that i am, i have been irritated by my emotions getting the best of me.  i have prayed that god would take my hurt, my anger, and my confusion and just relieve me of it...he has yet to do so. clearly i have something to learn.

i wouldn't consider myself to be one that enjoys drama.  i am recognizing, however, that my life has always, ALWAYS, been filled with extreme highs and lows....and that's the way i like it.  as i review my marriage, we love passionately.  when we fight, we hurl insults and maybe even a candlestick or two.  when we love, it's the kind of love where i throw my legs around his waste and kiss him like we may never see each other again.  we fight hard, because we love even harder.  i am honest with my children and sometimes i fear that i may hurt their feelings in the process.  i am reminded at later times, as they lay across my bed and spill their guts that they know they can come to me and i will tell them the truth...in being honest about my own life, they have learned that they can trust me.

 we grow into adulthood and our lives are supposed to level off...we are meant to stop the drama and get comfortable.  i believe this is where the term mid life crisis comes in.  i look around me at others lives that seem good but oh so boring and i fear they know neither happiness or sadness because they just exist.

this has been my biggest fear in life.  i never want to just be.  i want to FEEL.  it is when we feel, that we learn.

each of my favorite movie's have that pivotal point where the main character has the "aha"! moment when everything comes together and they just get it.  they may stumble through the entire story but the moment that they run into their loves arms, unite a lost friendship, or find a child...the pain has made the moment so very worth it.  i want to live my life as john cusack holding the boom box over his head in the yard.  dramatic, yes. worth it...totally.

live passionately. look stupid. go for it...even if you're not sure you're going to get it.  it is our life experiences that shape us.

i remember finding out that my father had died and holding it together for days while i packed and made arrangements for my children.  i flew across the country, was picked up at the airport by my best friend and driven to my sister's house.  it wasn't until i got out of the car and saw my sister that i ran to her and pent up tears finally fell down my cheeks.  she understood.  many people in the days prior had tried to comfort me with words from when they had lost their own fathers.  it didn't matter.  they hadn't lost MY father.  how could they know how i felt?  

a year later, i boarded another plane, this time with a year old baby in tow. my instructions were to listen to my voicemail when i arrived.   if my mother was still alive when i landed, i was to come to hospice.  if she had passed away while i was flying, i was to go to my sisters house.  the same best friend a year later picked me up at the airport and dropped me off at hospice where my mother was clinging to life...barely.  she took my baby girl off my hands, hugged me tight and left me alone. the next two days we waited for my mother to die.  it was grueling and the longest 48 hours of my life.  my mother's room had a window that looked out at the beautiful lake and i vividly remember sitting in silence on a bench with my sister looking out at the water and smoking a cigarette together....something i hadn't done in years. it was comfortable. it was a distraction. it was what i needed in that moment.

shortly after midnight on a sunday morning, my mother took her last breathe. i was holding her hand when she did.

we drove back to my sister's house where my mother had been staying and like a child, i climbed into the hospital bed she had spent the last 4 months unable to get out of.  i buried my head in the pillow she had laid her head on and tried to smell her. i knew that i never would again. 

fast forward seven years and i was summoned again to the hospital.  this time to look over my 14 year old son laying in bed clinging to his own life.  i remember feeling anxious and confused and wondering to myself if the lord would really ask me to do this again.  i prayed fervently that he wouldn't, but i was prepared if that was what he wanted.

i never cried at the hospital.  i'm not proud of that...it just is what it is.  three weeks into our hospital stay, matt encouraged me to come home and sleep at our house for the sake of our other two children. it would be the first time i slept in my own bed since the incident.   i came home, allowed tucker and bella to fall asleep in my bed and then went into my closet and sobbed uncontrollably.  i finally had a moment to let it hit me...and hit me hard.

i have never been one to ask for help. or sympathy. or even understanding.  i don't always expect my friends to agree with me.  what i expect is for them to BE with me.  our life experiences make us who we are and you can't judge ones actions without knowing their reasons.  we act because of how we feel.  i have been told by many that the way i feel is wrong...how can one even say that to another?  i feel because of what i have experienced. 

i recently flew home to vegas to attend a funeral for a friend of mines son.  i had the privilege of working for her husband when i was a newlywed and knew her sweet kids when they were young and a few as they were adolescents.  years earlier, she had lost her husband in an accident and now years later, she was called upon to bury her son.  i didn't tell her i was coming into town for the funeral, i just came to show support.  when we saw each other for the first time she said "you got on a plane to come here"??  i replied simply "what else was i going to do"?  we spent a teary moment and chuckled about heavenly father having entirely too much confidence in us.  she had known my parents and was a source of comfort when i had lost them.  parents were one thing, but a husband and son...i couldn't even imagine.  

we play the hand we are dealt in life.  sometimes we do it gracefully.  other times not so much.  it is at these times we discover who our friends are. marilyn monroe once said "i am selfish. impatient. and little insecure. i am out of control and at times hard to handle. but if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best".  i have made a point to offer my friends a lot and it has made all the difference when it came time to call upon them. 

while my life has had some rather dark and heavy times, i lay in bed at night and my head spins with wonderful memories of friends, of vacations, and laughter.  not just giggling.  hard belly laughter that has you fearing that you could quite possibly pee your pants.  my life is a tapestry of events and as i review these events,  my mind and my heart focus on who was there with me in these times. i have been beyond blessed with a husband i am madly in love with.  i have been given both sons and a daughter to raise and teach and mold into the people they are meant to become.  i have lived an incredibly fun and full life...and i'm only 36 years old.  i think this is the part where i am supposed to get comfortable and just be.

i refuse.

i believe that the most important thing i have been called to do in this life is to be a friend.  i am a friend to my husband.  i am a friend to my children. i am a friend to my siblings (though i need to be a better one).  my close friends in high school are still close friends.  my west coast friends still call weekly to touch base. share a funny story. or tell me they miss me.  i abandoned the friends that sustained me during my hard times...they forgive me and love me nonetheless.  my head hits my pillow at night and my mind is flooded with memories that make me smile and provide me comfort when i am so many miles away. 

my friendships have been the foundation for what i have built my life upon.  i have sailed through the toughest of times unscathed with good friends by my side and yet tripped over life's little hiccups because no one was there for me.  the deciding factor in my sanity has always been who was standing with me.

i have lived my life with a faith that has sustained me for many, many years. it has filled me with peace and comfort and a sense that with it, i could do anything.  my beliefs seemed to mold me into the person i am today.  i have been fortunate enough to have my faith intertwined with my friendships and because of that, it was an unshakable part of who i was....i was unmovable.  when i struggled with my faith, my friends stepped in until i figured it out.  

several years ago, i began to feel a void where i once was full.  at first i tried to fix it. i quickly realized that i couldn't because it required changing others and that wasn't my place.  it was then that i became frustrated.  shortly after becoming frustrated, i got angry.... the anger stayed a bit longer than i had hoped but finally, i became sad. sadness is not an emotion that i have had much experience with.  even during sad times, i looked to what i was supposed to learn and moved on.  throughout my life, i have been many, many things. sad has never been one of them.

i held on to my faith because it was all i knew. i held on long after it wasn't working because the fear of the unknown was more than i could take in.  i held on all the while looking around me for something else to grab hold of....but how could i grab hold of something else while i was so hyper-focused on what was weighing me down? i couldn't.

ironically, my faith is what gave me the strength to finally let go.

i have had the chance to speak with several people over the past few weeks and the conversation always turns to me defending my current position in life.  my sweet husband asked me why i kept setting myself up...he pointed out, that it never makes me feel any better.  he was right. he is usually right (though i will deny ever saying that).

when we defend ourselves it is usually because of two reasons. 1) we know that what someone is saying is true...and it's hard to hear. OR  2) we completely disagree with what they are saying and we want desperately for them to agree with us, or at least validate one or more of our points.

i found myself defending because of the latter...and it did not serve me well.

recently, i have been told that friends and social aspects are not part of my faith. that if i am struggling spiritually, it is because of my own errors.  through my faith, i stand alone and it is between me and god...no one else.

i don't believe that.

i believe that god places people in our lives to lift us up. to give us support. to be there physically when he can't be.  god can't call me four mornings a week at 7:30 am to tell me to get my butt out of bed and  have a good day but my friend in utah can and does (when she is up 2 hours earlier than me).  god can't lay in bed at night and listen to me go on and on about the weeks stresses, but my husband can....and he does.  god couldn't sit on a bench with me and hold my hand while my mother was withering away a few yards away from me....but my sister could.  god couldn't help me change the sheets of my unconscious teenager when he was having accidents and my emotions were so raw,  I couldn't bring myself to do it...but my friends could, and they did.

at the same time, i have been placed in peoples lives and have been given opportunities to throw my arms around a friend while she cried (once in the middle of my front yard because that was when and where she needed me). i was able to get on a plane to show my face at a funeral for a friends child if for no other reason to show that i felt her son was worth it.  i have been able to sit in silence with friends. i have kept secrets.  at times, i was able to hold on to things i already knew until a friend was ready to tell me herself.  i received a text message the other day from a friend who informed me that a friend of ours was going through a divorce.  she asked me to call her for moral support.  she had done her part as a friend and was now handing it to me and encouraging me to do the same...cause she knew i would.

i am fiercely loyal.  if you are in my corner, i'll beat someone up for you. when your name is said and i fear that something negative is coming, i will put my hand up and demand that the person speaking shut up. i will keep my opinions to myself until you ask...or until i think you need to hear it and are too afraid to face the truth.  i pride myself on who i surround myself with...i always have.  it is because of who i surround myself, that i am who i am.

 i kind of like who i am.

i have been a good friend and because of it...i have good friends.  i was asked twice last week what i was angry about.  it occurred to me later, that anyone who has to ask that question...isn't worthy of the answer.  i can tell my friends that i'm fine and my true friends can say "i know that you're not".

life happens. things happen to us. we change. we are supposed to.  i believe firmly that we are meant to evolve in order for the plan to work. i have been questioning myself for a long time now thinking that something was incredibly wrong with me.  i have been questioning the things that i held at the utmost importance for so many years.  it has tormented me...literally.

it occurred to me yesterday that the reason god isn't taking these feelings away from me is because i'm not wrong. he values my feelings and he wants me to do something about them.  my anger has softened and i pitied those that told me friends weren't important...it only means that they have never been blessed with friends like mine.  i thought of those who told me i shouldn't question anything of a spiritual nature...it only means that they are small minded and can only see things one way.  they use faith as an excuse to avoid any type of action.  they use their faith as a cushion to sit on.  i use my faith as a skateboard:) i use it to get me through life and at a rate that allows me to experience as much as i possibly can in the short amount of time i'm given.

god gave me a brain...i believe he intended for me to use it.  god gave me heart ( a big one at that) and i believe he intended for it to get broken and stepped on and at the same time to feel joy and overwhelming happiness.  i am pleased to report that i am using both of these things he gave me...after all, i'm alive aren't i?

do i believe in god?....absolutely.  do i believe in the importance of family?...without a doubt.  i believe in saying sorry.  i believe in asking for forgiveness and extending forgiveness when necessary. i believe in being on one path for a certain amount of time and then turning around and heading in another direction if you think that there is something that you can learn from doing so.  i believe in falling. i believe in getting back up.

i have never wanted a "stale" life.  i don't like boring. i don't like normal.  i don't like settling.  i have a great marriage...because i won't settle for less.  i have good and kind kids...because that's what i expect them to be. i struggle with my church only when it comes up short.  i want better because i have had better. i expect much from my friends because i would never ask someone to do something for me that i myself wouldn't do for them.

i have been called judgmental. i call myself fair.

i have no use for those who tell me that my expectations are too high.  yes, i have high expectations of my life...i only get one and i want to make it worthwhile.  i ponder my life daily and when i achieve one thing, i ask "what's next"? I would rather look back on my life and say "oops". than "what if"?

i didn't intend to go off in the direction that i did...apparently i had a lot on my mind. shall we get back to september 11th and how i woke up today with a perspective that i so desperately needed?
 i watched several documentary's on 9/11 last night and dozens upon dozens of people recounted the events of that dreadful day.  the one thing i heard over and over was people's final moments and that each individual was thinking of their loved ones.  some called home from the twin towers to say goodbye.  some managed to phone from the airplanes and tearfully say their "i love you's" and "goodbyes".  i am certain that those jumping from the building's had their loved ones on their hearts and minds. a gentleman recounted making it out of the building, lying down in a grassy spot, and preparing to die.  he remembered a conversation he had had with his wife a week prior where she made him promise that he wouldn't leave her young.  he kept that promise and forced himself to stand up because of it.  people survived that inconceivable day because of the help from co-workers and even strangers.

was god there?...yes. but he was a mere spectator watching what we as human beings would do for one another.  at the end of our lives, the only, ONLY thing that will matter is those who have been a part of our lives.  it will be those who have touched our lives and those whose lives we have touched that will weigh on our minds when we take our last breath.  yes, we die alone...but if we have good friends, we don't have to.

are people an important part of this life?  i believe that at the end of the day, they're all we've got.
friendship...the most beautiful word in the human language. it matters to me and i'm done apologizing for it.

i have a vision of myself at the end of my life.  i am walking towards the light pulling a beat up suitcase with a bum wheel.  i am tired and i most likely look like shit.  my hair is a mess and i'm not wearing my best outfit....i may even be in tennis shoes, though i doubt it.   i look like someone who has lived....and lived fully.  i look like someone who has learned a lot of lessons and many of them the hard way.  i look like someone who didn't sit back but stood up for what she believed in, often times getting her hand bit in the process.

i look exactly the way i want to look.

 i make it to my heavenly father and look up at him with weary eyes. He looks at me and it is then that i realize he doesn't care that i yelled at my kids earlier in the week because he has watched me love them on so many occasions.  he doesn't care that i smoked a cigarette to pass the time when my mom was dying because he watched me exercise and eat healthy for years and years.   he doesn't care that i chewed out an insensitive nurse for leaving me alone to change a diaper on my fragile teenager because he saw me draw strength and do it alone just the night before.  he doesn't care if i made a obligatory casserole to take to a church function but rather more about the million peanut butter and jelly sandwiches i prepared for my children over the years and the sweet moments i shared with them at the kitchen table while they ate.

he knows me. he gave me my challenges because he knew i could handle them.  he will be the only judge of my actions...because he is the only one who knew my reasons.  I will repent of my love for costly apparel and he will forgive me.  he will hand me some frumpy smock and i will roll my eyes and ask for a belt. i will tell him i'm sorry that i didn't spend more time focusing on the little things and it is then that he will tell me that the little things didn't matter at all. he will tell me that the little things are satan's way of distracting us from the big picture.   it is then, that i will make the snide comment "you're going to have A LOT of pissed off people coming through these gates, you know that don't you?  there are people killing themselves for little things".

 and that will be that.

i will find my parents waiting patiently and my father will take my crappy suitcase from me like he has done a thousand times when he picked up from the airport and he will toss it aside, informing me that none of my baggage comes with me here...and i will breathe a sigh of relief.

and then, i will wait anxiously for my friends to arrive...for it is they, that i will miss the most.